Only Happy When She's Sad
by HoppyToad
Summary: Yet another Carby set after Lockdown. Not original i know, but who can resist them.
1. Promises

I do not own Abby and Carter, or any of the other ER characters. Also some dialogue has been 'borrowed' from actual episodes of the show. You'll know which. Set after Lockdown, it'll be all Carby but there will be angst. This is my first ER fic, so it's a little off but please don't be harsh. I'd appreciate any feedback though.  
  
  
  
He paused outside the doors to the ICU. He felt nauseous. Leaning against the wall, he held his head in his hands and took a deep breath. It was his fault, all of it. He was supposed to have taken care of her; protect her. He had failed. Again. After what had happened on that Valentine's day three years ago, he had made himself a promise; or was it more a promise to Lucy; either way, he had swore that he would do better. As a friend, doctor and teacher. Now it was like he had let Lucy down once again and. He knew that he had to go in but he just couldn't. He sank to the floor. He'd be strong for her though. He had to be. He loved her. He'd be there throughout. Just not yet. He allowed his mind to drift back in time, to when all this began.  
  
Three months ago:  
  
"Worst of this is over, right?" When he didn't reply, she looked down, trying to read the expression on his face. Staring deep into his eyes, she whispered "Tell me we're going to be ok"  
  
Again he remained silent. She was pleading with him to give her reassurance. Knowing that words would do little to help right now he did the only thing he could think of. He leaned in and kissed her.  
  
He pulled away now and stood up, still not looking away. He took the fact that she still had her arms around his neck and that she hadn't run screaming from the trauma room as a good sign, and he pressed on. "We're going to be ok." She was still looking into his eyes; seemingly searching for some sign that what he said was true. He knew that she would find it because he believed it. He repeated himself, "We're going to be ok!" Then he kissed her again. This time with more confidence, more passion.  
  
Part of her had known that this moment would eventually happen, but she was still unprepared for it. She was terrified of changing their relationship; of losing him as a friend if it all went wrong, just like every other relationship she had ever had. Some advice given to her by her mother a little over a year ago came flooding back to her.  
  
"That's all there is, is risk. You just have to take a chance and leap into life. Otherwise, sweetheart, you're going to miss out on all the great things."  
  
For once she listened to her heart instead of her head and following her mother's words, she responded, deepening the kiss.  
  
As soon as he felt her respond, he began to lose himself in the kiss; the smallpox, the ER, it all seemed to melt away; nothing mattered except for Abby. When they eventually parted, he kept his arms around her waist, just holding her close. Abby made eye contact for just a second before quickly turning away, keeping her arms around his neck though. Carter gently took her chin in his right hand and lifted her head to face him. With his other hand, he began to caress the small of her back.  
  
She studied him for a second before suddenly pulling violently away. She shoved the ice pack at his chest forcing him to take hold of it.  
  
"I can't do this" she backed away from him. "I'm sorry, John. I just.I just can't do this." She crossed over to the other side of the room, turning her back to him.  
  
"Don't do this, Abby. Please?" he started to move towards her then decided against it. He waited. When she didn't break the silence, he sat back down on the gurney and sighed. Past conversations flooded his head. All the missed opportunities. All the words they had each spoken that had hurt the other.  
  
"I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka. And I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for you two to break up. And I don't want to be your friend"  
  
"I'll settle for someone that isn't hung up on someone else"  
  
"You don't have to settle for anything, Carter!"  
  
"'Us' is too complicated? Is there an 'us'?  
  
And now yet another wasted chance joined them. He lay down on his back as the past five minutes kept replaying over and over again.  
  
Abby let the silence go on for a moment, then turned to look at him. Carter now had his eyes shut. As she watched him, she wondered why she had broken the embrace. She knew she loved him; it was the only thing she was certain of. She silently cursed herself for being such a coward. It took only that brief silence for her to change her mind. She wanted to be with him. She rolled her eyes. Hoping she hadn't blown her last chance with him, she went about trying to fix things.  
  
"So that's it?"  
  
Her voice brought Carter sharply back to reality. He lazily opened his eyes and without getting up, turned his head to look at her. "Huh?"  
  
"You just give up on us? Pretend that nothing happened?"  
  
He sat up now. "What do you want me to do?"  
  
"You kissed me!"  
  
"Yeah. I seem to remember you kissing me back though. Then you ran away!"  
  
"I didn't run anywhere. I'm stood three feet away!"  
  
"Maybe, but if we weren't quarantined in here then you'd have run!"  
  
"What're you psychic now?"  
  
"No! I just know you!"  
  
"Maybe you don't!"  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Nothing! Just forget it, Carter."  
  
He leapt up off the gurney. "No, come on. Let's sort this out. Once and for all."  
  
"I can't do it anymore. Ok? I just can't! It's too hard!"  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Having a relationship with you! Or a non-relationship, whatever it is we have or don't have. It's killing me, cause I love you so much and I hate that I could lose you and that you could hurt me or I could hurt you or I don't know." Once Abby had started to speak she couldn't stop. All her thoughts just seemed to come pouring out her mouth. "And you tell me how you feel when I'm with Luka, then you reject me for Susan when I tell you how I feel and now today you kiss me and then when I panic you just lie there like you don't give a damn." She paused for breath now, embarrassed by her outburst.  
  
Carter was silent for a moment; it was so unlike Abby to say how she felt or to put herself in such a vulnerable position. Choosing his words carefully, he said "It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a while but it always ends the same."  
  
Carter thought that he saw a faint smile appear on her face but it was quickly gone as once again she stared deep into his eyes. "It doesn't have to though" she whispered softly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"End the same"  
  
He took a step towards her. "No, it doesn't" he agreed. Again their was a brief silence while Carter waited for Abby to choose the next step.  
  
"Ok, ok!"  
  
"Ok?" he asked hopefully.  
  
Abby nodded. He moved to her and took hold of her hands, taking a moment for this latest development to sink in. then he pulled her to him and held her close. They stayed like that for a while till Carter suddenly laughed. Abby lifted her head from where it was resting on his chest. "What?"  
  
The words from her outburst finally hitting him, he simply said, "I love you too"  
  
She smiled. "I know!"  
  
"Is that right?"  
  
Again she simply nodded. He kissed her forehead.  
  
"You'll end up regretting this, you know?"  
  
Her tone was light, but Carter knew she still had her reservations about where they were going so he gave her a serious answer. "No!" he vowed. "I won't!"  
  
Now:  
  
He'd made Abby two promises in that trauma room and now stood outside that ICU, he still intended to keep them both. He took a deep breath and entered the room. 


	2. The past never lets go

Well, it's taken a week but I've managed to finally finish this chapter. Thanks for the reviews. I know everyone wants to know what has happened to Abby but bear with me. I'll get to that in the next chapter promise.  
  
  
  
Three days later and there had been no change. Abby was still unconscious and he was still sat in that ICU by her side. Corday had managed to stop the internal bleeding but it was the head injuries. He just kept getting told that it was a waiting game; he hated how patronising that sounded. Once the swelling went down though, she'd wake up; that's what he kept telling himself. That's what he needed to believe to keep him going. Weaver had told him to take as much time off as he needed; if she hadn't, he would probably have quit. He couldn't stand to see Abby like this; so helpless and vulnerable. He'd hardly left though. When he did leave though, he knew that she was rarely alone. The other nurses from the ER were always calling in. It seemed that Susan came up to sit with her whenever she had a break. And then there was Luka. He never turned up when Carter was there though. Carter had gone home the day before to shower and when he had returned he'd seen Luka. Instead of going in himself though, he'd left Luka there and grabbed a coffee, waiting till Kovac had gone back to work. He owed the other doctor an apology but it could wait. Everyone who saw him at the hospital kept telling him how well he seemed to be coping; that they wouldn't be able to handle it so well; how they hadn't seen him break down. He just wanted to scream at them. Of course he wasn't coping. He was a wreck. He broke down, just not at the hospital, but whenever he was alone. And now as he gave in to Susan's request he go home and get some rest, he knew that he would not be able to sleep. Instead turning the lights off, he just lay awake and thought. He tried to focus on the future, but his mind kept returning to the past.  
  
  
  
Then:  
  
"Hey"  
  
Carter stretched before turning onto his side to look at her. "Hey"  
  
The last twenty-four hours still didn't feel like reality. Once the situation with the smallpox had been brought under control, they had gone across to Doc McGoo's and just sat and talked over coffee. Then after taking a walk along the river, they had ended up at their bench. The two of them had just sat there for a while, holding hands, neither wanting to break the silence. When she had asked him to go back to hers, he had considered turning her down, but the look in her eyes told him that she wanted this; needed this. So did he.  
  
And now, as he lay in her bed, he knew that it had been the right decision. "How long you been awake?" he asked.  
  
"A while." She smiled. "You're really cute when you're asleep."  
  
"I'm not when I'm awake?" he grinned.  
  
"I'm not saying anything else. Your ego's big enough as it is!"  
  
"Then can I just say that you're the most amazing woman I've ever met."  
  
"No, coz it sounds like a line from some cheesy romance film."  
  
Laughing, Carter rolled over onto his back. "Maybe. Doesn't mean it's not true though"  
  
Abby moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. He put one arm around her to hold her gently and with his other took hold of her hand. There was that silence again; with anyone else it would be a sign of tension; an uncomfortable moment; but not for them. "Last night." she began. When Abby trailed off, Carter just waited. Carter had known her for long enough to know that when Abby had something to say she would say it. He knew when not to push, when to just leave her to think. "Last night was the most.it was so.it was."  
  
She lifted her head up to look at him. When she didn't even try to go on, he simply told her "I know exactly what you mean! It was!" He kissed her gently on the forehead and then just held her, wishing that they could stay like that forever.  
  
  
  
Unfortunately they still had work to go to. He couldn't believe that they were expected to go back in straight away, but Weaver had insisted, saying that they still had patients to treat.  
  
They'd walked to work together, holding hands. When they reached the ambulance bay, Abby had stopped, looking uneasy.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Do we tell people?"  
  
"Do you want to?"  
  
"I dunno. Do you want to?"  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Aren't I the one asking you?"  
  
"But do you want people to know?"  
  
"Carter, stop it!" Abby let go of his hand now. "Answer another question with a question and I'll be changing my mind about the whole thing."  
  
"Really?"  
  
She glared at him now.  
  
"Ok. No more questions! Promise!" He glanced at his watch. "But unless, we make a decision in the next ten seconds, we'll be late and then we get to deal with a pissed off Weaver."  
  
Abby glanced around at nothing in particular. "Then we don't make a big thing out of it, but we don't try to hide it either."  
  
"Fair enough!"  
  
  
  
It seemed like people were avoiding the hospital so the shift seemed to really drag, especially as all he wanted to do was be with Abby. They'd managed to steal a few moments together during the day but Weaver kept finding things for them to do. She had told everyone that if they had no patients to see they were to catch up on paperwork which he had a tonne of.  
  
Once his shift was over, Carter was waiting in the lounge for Abby to finish with a patient when Susan caught up to him. She'd been trying to corner him all day but he had so far managed to avoid her. Until now anyway.  
  
"Hey Carter"  
  
"Hey"  
  
"I thought you were off?"  
  
"I am!"  
  
"Any reason why you're still here then?" she asked, a mischievous grin on her face.  
  
"No!" he lied. He could tell that she already knew about him and Abby, but he was not easily going to give in and tell her all the details.  
  
"No? So not waiting for a certain nurse that you left with last night and arrived with this morning?"  
  
"You got me! I just couldn't resist Haleh's charms any longer!"  
  
They both laughed. Susan joined him at the table. "No. Seriously though, is it true?"  
  
"Maybe"  
  
"I'll take that as a yes!"  
  
"Take it however you want!"  
  
The door suddenly opened and Abby entered. She paused for a second when she saw Susan. Carter shot her a glance that told her their friend knew.  
  
Noticing the look that the other two shared, Susan remarked "I'll take that as a definite yes! Hey Abby!"  
  
"Hey!" Abby turned to Carter. "You ready?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
Susan couldn't help but smile as she watched them leave together.  
  
  
  
"I didn't tell her!" Carter protested for about the hundredth time. Once again, they were sat on their bench. Or rather he was sat; Abby was stood, leaning against the railing. "How did she know then?"  
  
"She just knew! And I thought that we weren't trying to keep it a secret?"  
  
"We aren't!" Abby sighed. "I just want to know how she knew!"  
  
"She's Susan! She just always seems to notice this stuff!"  
  
"That right?"  
  
"Yeah. Plus, we weren't exactly discrete. Susan said that we were seen leaving together last night. And then when we showed up at the same time this morning, people just jumped to conclusions."  
  
Abby had begun to calm down. "Malik kept giving me strange looks all day. I bet that he's the one who started all this. It really is impossible to keep a secret in that place." She paused. "Not that I want to keep a secret."  
  
"Nice backtrack! And what is it with Nurses and gossiping? We doctors just get on with our jobs while the nurses just stand around chatting."  
  
"Do we now?"  
  
"I didn't mean you of course!" he added.  
  
"Course not!"  
  
He stood up, and crossed over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "You, my sweet beautiful Abby, are the best nurse in the whole world and would never skive off work!"  
  
Abby laughed. "That sounded really pathetic!"  
  
"I know. I just like seeing you smile!"  
  
"Even if I'm laughing at you?"  
  
"What can I say? I'm a masochist."  
  
She laughed for a brief moment before stopping suddenly. She turned to face him. "Is this really happening?"  
  
"I think that it might be! Yet, it still doesn't feel real. It's."  
  
Abby cut him off. Echoing his words from that morning "I know exactly what you mean! It is!"  
  
  
  
Now:  
  
There had been so many moments like that in the three months that followed. And now they all filled Carter's head. They wouldn't leave him alone. And as he lay there, in the hope that falling into a dreamless sleep would dull the pain, he was determined that they would have many more moments like that. 


	3. When She Was Drinking

Normally, Susan was always glad whenever she got a break. A chance to escape from the ER for a short while. It always helped her face the rest of her shift. She did enjoy her work; sometimes; it's just that she enjoyed having some time to herself, to deal with whatever had happened so far that day. Now though, that had changed. For the past three days, her breaks had been spent in the ICU. Seeing Abby lying there, hooked up to machines that they used everyday but now appeared more sinister; it seemed surreal for some reason.  
  
She had never felt comfortable talking to someone who was unconscious. So most of the time she sat in silence. If it was true that they could hear people then she felt sure that Abby would understand. She'd gotten to know Abby better lately, and she would actually count her as a friend, but the main reason she kept coming was for Carter. He wouldn't leave Abby unless someone else was there; so she came and sat with Abby. It left her with too much time to think though. About Carter and Abby and whether she could have done anything to stop this.  
  
  
  
Then:  
  
"Whoops." Abby laughed as she dropped her keys, trying to get her apartment door open. She wasn't sure what time it was; she'd lost track of that after the fourth beer; she did know that it was late and she had to work the next morning, so now she just needed to crash. What she didn't need was the dozen answer-phone messages that Carter had left. She collapsed on the sofa, rolling her eyes as she listened to his voice.  
  
"Hey Abby. It's me! Are you there? Abby? Just wondered if you still wanted me to come over tonight after my shift? I'll call back later."  
  
"Hey. Erm. Just checking that you're ok. Call me back. I love you!"  
  
"It's just me again. Give me a call. I'm still at the hospital for another couple of hours."  
  
On and on. Each one saying the same thing. Did he have nothing better to do than keep phoning her? Ok, so she had forgot that they had arranged to spend the evening together. And she had neglected to tell him that she had plans with Susan. It wasn't like she had lied to him or anything, she reasoned. She'd just not told him; there was a difference. And she hadn't meant to get drunk, just to have a couple of drinks; she laughed; that was what she'd been telling herself since she had first started drinking again. That it was under control. It had been in the beginning. Now though, the denial had started to wear off. She sat up, suddenly feeling nauseous. Reaching for the phone, she considered calling Carter, but quickly changed her mind. She couldn't cope with him seeing her drunk tonight. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes once again. She knew that she'd have to deal with it tomorrow though. Carter would have figured out what had been going on. For now though, she'd pretend it was a secret for a little while longer.  
  
Carter paced about his bedroom. He reached for the phone, started to dial her number, and then changed his mind. He sat down on the edge of the bed. He couldn't phone again; it was getting ridiculous. He'd already left so many that he'd lost count. It's just he was worried. He'd been over to her apartment as soon as he had got off work and as there was no lights on, he knew that she must be out and not lying injured at her place. With her not answering her mobile either though or not having told him she was going out, he was still anxious. He'd calmed down slightly after phoning Susan and getting no answer there. She and Abby seemed to have gotten really close lately so he figured that they were probably together which was a good thing. Still he wouldn't be able to sleep till he spoke to Abby, just to make sure she was ok. Suddenly the phone rang and he leapt up to answer it. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, it's Susan!"  
  
"Oh, hey."  
  
"Thanks for sounding so disappointed. I phone at this time of night just because you've left several messages on my machine asking me to and then you'll all like 'whatever'"  
  
"Sorry. I just hoped it was Abby." Carter explained, sitting back down on the bed.  
  
"Did you two have a fight?"  
  
"No! Why?"  
  
"Nothing! It doesn't matter!"  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"It's nothing!"  
  
Carter decided to let it go, not wanting to get into an argument with her this late at night. "So, Abby was with you tonight?"  
  
"Yeah. Why? She didn't tell you?" Susan asked surprised.  
  
"No. Then when she didn't answer the phone, I guess I just panicked."  
  
"Well, you can stop. She's fine, Carter, really!"  
  
"Ok." One question still had to be asked though. He just wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.  
  
"Is that it? Because I'm on at 7:00."  
  
"Was Abby drinking?" There was no reply. "Susan?"  
  
"You should talk to her."  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"Just talk to her, Carter. Soon as you get chance. Goodnight"  
  
"Night!" As he hung up the phone, he considered going over to Abby's right then but he doubted that she would appreciate it. He knew that she too had to be at work early. Tomorrow. He'd go in to the ER before she finished her shift and try and talk to her. He'd known that she'd started drinking again; he just hadn't wanted to deal with it. Things had been going so well for them. He just couldn't understand why she would be doing this. As he lay down on the bed, he thought back to the last time he had seen her drunk, when they were at the Lava Lounge, and he hoped that he didn't get bitten this time he tried to help.  
  
  
  
Now:  
  
Sure, Susan felt guilty about going out drinking with Abby. But Abby was an adult and could make her own decisions. She'd have drunk whether Susan was there or not. Susan sighed as she thought about everything that had happened over the past year; coming back to County; her relationship with Carter; Mark dying; She didn't regret breaking up with Carter. There was nothing between them. For Carter, they'd be no one but Abby. Glancing around to check that there was nobody else around, Susan decided to try the talking thing. "Abby, you'd better wake up and get back to Carter. I can't put up with him in this state." she joked. "Please Abby, don't leave him." 


	4. Coffee and a Black Eye

As he sat alone at Doc McGoo's, Luka could do nothing but think about Abby. He'd only been up to the ICU once. He couldn't face it again. And then there was Carter to consider. He gently touched his eye; the swelling had started to go down now, but it still acted as a painful reminder that this was his fault.  
  
  
  
Then:  
  
"Dr Kovac?"  
  
Luka swore under his breath as he turned around to see Haleh heading towards him. Once again the ER was short staffed and they were getting swamped. He was struggling to clear the board while Susan and Pratt kept grabbing all the major traumas. "The patient in curtain 4? I think you need to take a look at him."  
  
"I'll get to him as soon as I can. There are other patients who need treating."  
  
"He came in with head injury, minor lacerations but now he keeps rambling."  
  
Luka sighed. "Is there a nurse with him?"  
  
"No." Luka stared at her pointedly. "Oh no. I'm off. Find someone else." Haleh laughed, handing him the patient's chart. As she walked off down the corridor, he spotted Abby. "Hey Abby, can you help me with the patient in four?" When he got no response, Luka walked across to the admin desk. "Abby?" He reached out and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. She spun around sharply, startled.  
  
"Luka, hey."  
  
"You ok?"  
  
"Yeah, fine. You need something?"  
  
"Erm, yeah." He handed her the chart. "Can you check on this patient for me? 28 year old male, suffering from facial injuries. He's in four. I've just got to finish with another patient then I'll come join you."  
  
"Ok!" Abby studied the chart. All morning, she had been unable to focus on her work. Sooner she saw Carter the better. At least then it would be over; one way or the other. Okay, Abby. Try to concentrate on something else for at least five minutes, she thought as she entered the room.  
  
"Hi, Mr." She cursed herself silently for not finding out the guy's name before walking into the room. She glanced at the chart quickly. "Holdsworth."  
  
The patient looked agitated. "Where did the other nurse go?"  
  
"Other nurse?"  
  
"Erm, Haleh, I think. She said to wait in here for a doctor. I really don't think it's necessary. I'd just rather go home, please? I don't want to stay here."  
  
"Haleh went home. Her shift's over. Just let a doctor take a look at your head then once we know you're fine, you can go. Ok?"  
  
"The paramedics said I had to come here. I didn't want to."  
  
"Did you lose consciousness?"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe. I really think I should just go. Can I please leave?" He stood up and made a move towards the door. After a couple of steps though he wavered. Abby rushed forward and guided him back to the bed.  
  
"Head injuries can be serious. We really need to assess you, Mr Holdsworth."  
  
As he sat back down, he glanced up at her and smiled. "Call me Tony. Doesn't seem right having a pretty lady like you call me mister. What's your name?"  
  
"Abby. Ok. Then, Tony, can you tell me how this happened?"  
  
He shrugged. "I don't remember! Ain't serious is it? Cause I feel great!"  
  
"I'm sure it's not."  
  
"So I'd be able to take you out tonight then?"  
  
Abby laughed. "Sorry, but no. I'm not available."  
  
"Boyfriend?" She nodded. "Ten minutes with me and you'll forget all about him. I'll show you a real good time. Promise!"  
  
Abby suddenly began to feel nervous. "I'm just gonna go see if I can find Dr Kovac. He'll be the doctor treating you."  
  
As Abby started for the door, Holdsworth grabbed her wrist, spinning her back round. "You aren't gonna leave me all alone are you?"  
  
Abby pulled sharply away, wrenching her arm free. Picking up the chart, she headed quickly for the door. As soon as she was out in the corridor, Abby leant against the wall and took a deep breath. She started to read the chart. There was no mention of previous psychiatric treatment, but something about this guy had put her on edge.  
  
"Chuny? Have you seen Luka?"  
  
"Suture room."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
  
  
Luka wasn't pleased when Abby dragged him away from his patient but he didn't bother to complain about it. "What's the problem?"  
  
"This patient you wanted me to check on? I think that you need to see him right away."  
  
"Why? What are his vitals?"  
  
"I don't know. It isn't the head injury I'm worried about."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"His behaviour seems erratic. At first, he was nervous, wanting to leave. Then he just. changed."  
  
"How?"  
  
"He came on to me." Luka sniggered. "It isn't funny!" Abby glared at him.  
  
"Ok. Fine. Let's go." Luka took the chart from her and gave it a quick look over. Holdsworth was sat on the edge of the bed, and he looked up anxiously when they entered. "Hello. I'm Dr Kovac."  
  
"Hi. I was telling the nurse that I just want to go home. I don't want to trouble anyone."  
  
"After I've treated you. Now can you tell me what happened?" Luka began examining Holdsworth's head.  
  
"I slipped. Just seemed to lose balance and fall over."  
  
Abby rolled her eyes. "I thought you said you didn't remember what happened?"  
  
Holdsworth stared at her blankly. Luka just continued his analysis. "What's your full name?"  
  
"Alex Thomas Holdsworth."  
  
"You told me your name was Tony!" Abby exclaimed incredulously.  
  
Again, she just got a puzzled look. "No. I didn't. Why would I? Is all this really necessary?"  
  
Luka sighed "Yes. You can't be too careful with head injuries."  
  
"Do you need me?" Abby asked.  
  
"No. It's ok." Luka glanced at Abby, concern in his eyes.  
  
  
  
Luka had finally managed to sneak a break and was sat at the table in the lounge when Abby came in to grab a coffee. "You ok?" he asked.  
  
"Why do you keep asking me that?"  
  
Luka shrugged. "You just seem a little." he trailed off.  
  
"A little what?"  
  
"Just how you were acting with Alex Holdsworth."  
  
"Did you discharge him?"  
  
Luka shook his head. "Still waiting on some labs."  
  
"Did you call a psych consult?"  
  
"Why would I?"  
  
"Cause he's nuts!"  
  
"Is that your medical opinion?" Luka laughed.  
  
Abby joined him at the table. "Seriously, there's something not right with the guy."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"He told me his name was Tony for starters."  
  
"He says he didn't!" Luka said gently.  
  
Abby leapt up. "Fine. I have work to do."  
  
"Abby!" She ignored him, slamming the lounge door shut as she stormed out.  
  
  
  
Now:  
  
The last time that he had spoken to her. And he'd pissed her off. Typical of most of the conversations they had had when they were together. Always snapping at each other. The memory made him smile, even though neither of them were happy back then. She'd wake up; somehow he just knew she would. He'd stay away though till she did. 


	5. Nightmares and Reality

Carter woke up from his nightmare to face reality. Only to find that the nightmare was reality. He'd fallen asleep in the ICU. He still hadn't slept properly and it was beginning to take its toll. It didn't matter anymore if he was awake or asleep; he still kept seeing it happen. Over and over again. In his nightmares though it was always worse, he always lost her for good. Then again when he was awake, he'd always think of a way he could have stopped it from happening.  
  
Sitting up, he took hold of Abby's hand. As he had done so many times in the past few days, he tried to think of something else but he just couldn't. Like when he had been stabbed, the moment was always there, never leaving him. He doubted it ever would.  
  
  
  
Then:  
  
"Why am I getting a feeling of déjà vu?" Carter said as he stepped onto the roof. When Susan had told him that Abby was on her break, he had known exactly where she'd be. Susan also admitted that she had told Abby that he knew about her drinking. Abby turned to face him for a second, then went back to looking at the view of Chicago. She took a long drag of her cigarette, exhaling slowly. "I didn't think you were on till tonight?"  
  
"I'm not. I was looking for you."  
  
"It's been crazy down there today. I can't wait for this shift to end."  
  
Carter stood beside her now but still she wouldn't look at him. He sighed. "We need to talk about last night!"  
  
"Do we have to? We could just pretend it never happened!"  
  
"I'd love to but." He paused, "then what do we do next time?"  
  
"What if there isn't a next time?" she asked.  
  
"Can you promise that?"  
  
Abby shrugged. "I don't know, Carter. I just don't know!"  
  
"Then we need to talk about this!" he insisted.  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"This isn't about what I want you to say. It's about what you want to say. Just don't shut me out."  
  
"I'm not trying to."  
  
"We have something great, Abby. And I don't want that to end cause of something like this."  
  
She looked up at him now, studying him for a while. "That would be your decision, wouldn't it?" She took another drag from the cigarette before tossing it away.  
  
Carter leant against the wall. "No. It wouldn't. You're the one with the control here. I couldn't end it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Carter gently took hold of her hand. "Cause I'm desperately in love with you and can't live a moment without you."  
  
She smiled now. "You know how we've talked bout you saying all these lame lines? You're doing it again."  
  
Carter grinned. "Those are actually Susan's words, not mine."  
  
"So now you're stealing lame lines?"  
  
He nodded. "Anything for you."  
  
Abby turned serious again. "I don't deserve you. You dealt with your own addiction and now I'm making you deal with mine."  
  
"That's what happens when you let someone into your life. You take the good stuff along with the bad. And there's them clichés again, right?"  
  
Abby laughed. "At least you're learning."  
  
"So there's hope for me yet?" He pulled her into a hug and just held her for a moment. "So where do we go from here?" he asked.  
  
"Well, if my shift was over, I'd say back to my place."  
  
"Who says that I'd want to?" he teased.  
  
"Me. Because you can't resist me!"  
  
"That right?"  
  
"And I've also been told that I have the control in this relationship."  
  
"That might be true, but you have to work then I have to work." Carter paused. "Then there's the fact that we haven't sorted out what we were meant to be sorting out."  
  
Abby groaned. "I know. But not now, John."  
  
"Rough shift?"  
  
"Yeah, this patient." Carter waited for her to continue. "I was treating him with Luka. But when I was alone with him.he was different. He told me his name was Tony, then told Luka it was Alex. His whole personality seemed to change."  
  
"Did Luka call psych?"  
  
"No. I think he thought I was the insane one." She sighed. "Or drunk!"  
  
"Luka wouldn't think that."  
  
"Wouldn't he? Anyway, this guy, Holdsworth, he began flirting with me. Then when I tried to leave the room, he grabbed my arm."  
  
"You ok? Did he threaten you? What did Luka say?"  
  
"I'm fine. It just scared me a bit, I guess. Luka doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him."  
  
"But you do?"  
  
"I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling." Abby glanced at her watch. "I'd better get back. I've been gone awhile."  
  
"It's a good job that Weaver isn't in. And if anyone asks, just say it was my fault."  
  
"Don't worry, I plan to." she laughed.  
  
They started back towards the ER; Carter always hated this journey. It always reminded him of when he was stabbed. A conversation with Abby on the roof, walking back down the stairs, the party and then.  
  
"What are you doing up here?"  
  
Carter shook the thought from his mind at the sound of Abby's voice. He was surprised that they were already halfway down the stairs. He was equally surprised that they were no longer alone.  
  
"Waiting for you. You left me. When you didn't come back, I went looking for you and followed you up here."  
  
Carter placed a hand on Abby's back. She turned to him. "This is Tony."  
  
"So this is your boyfriend?" Holdsworth took a step towards them. "You left me, to whore about with him?"  
  
Carter moved closer to Abby. "Hey. How about we all go back down to the ER and."  
  
"If you want to go, then go. But I need to talk to my nurse!"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere. Not without her."  
  
"Carter, go!" Abby pleaded.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Just get out of here."  
  
For a second, Carter considered going to get help, but he knew that he couldn't leave her. "No, I'm staying. He can talk to you with me here."  
  
"I can, but I don't want to!"  
  
Suddenly, he lunged at Carter, grabbing him by the shirt and slamming him against the wall.  
  
"Leave him. Please!" Abby begged.  
  
Holdsworth threw him against the wall again. Carter recovered and threw a punch at Holdsworth. With the pain in his back though and him still being in shock by the sudden attack, there was no real power behind it. Holdsworth just laughed. "My turn!"  
  
  
  
  
  
That was when time had slowed down for Carter. It must have only taken seconds but then, and now as it played over in his head, it took forever. He remembers Holdsworth pulling back his fist ready to strike. Then Abby trying to stop him. Holdsworth pushing her away, her losing her balance and slipping, falling. And then he hears her cry out. That small moment haunts him. All the time. He couldn't stop it from happening. He could only watch. Watch as she fell; watch as Holdsworth escaped; and now whenever he closed his eyes, he could only watch it happen again and again. 


	6. From There to Here

Well, it seems to have taken forever for me to write this fic. I seem to be having trouble over where to take it. Not feeling very inspired or motivated at the moment. Anyway I finally got this chapter done and hopefully I'll get finished soon.  
  
  
  
Carter was sure that everyone was starting to give up on her. If it had been a patient of his then he probably would have done by now too. But this was Abby. His Abby. And he refused to believe that he could lose her. If she didn't wake up soon though, he was convinced that he would go mad. He'd lost so many people in his life; his brother, Lucy, and then Mark. He knew that he couldn't cope if he lost Abby as well. From the moment he had seen her fall, he had been terrified. He knew that he would always partly blame himself for this happening. He still felt responsible for Lucy's death. But this was worse, this time he wasn't even hurt at all. He was sat here fine while.And not for the first time he broke down in tears.  
  
  
  
Then:  
  
  
  
Carter wasn't sure how long he had stood there, not moving. When he finally did snap out of it, he took the steps two at a time, dropping to the floor at Abby's side. Terrified, he gently checked for a pulse. Finding one, he breathed for the first time since it had happened. He wanted to hold her, but sense kicked in. He knew that she could have injuries to her back and neck so moving her wouldn't really be a good idea. He glanced around helplessly. Her head was bleeding pretty heavily from where she had struck it during the fall. He cursed himself when he realised that he had left his cellphone in the car. He was reluctant to leave her but knew that he needed to go and get help. He knew that Susan would come to look for them if Abby didn't return from her break, but he knew that there was a chance Abby could die before then. Ignoring the sharp pain in his back, he made a run down the steps towards the ER.  
  
  
  
"What the hell happened?" As soon as he heard, Luka had charged to help in trauma one. Carter and Malik were already there.  
  
"Your patient attacked her! Pushed her down the stairs!" Carter was starting a central line.  
  
"My patient?" Luka moved to the other side of the gurney, taking the ultrasound Chuny had just brought in and began to check for internal bleeding. "What patient?"  
  
"You got many psychotic patients today?" Carter asked angrily. "Guy called Holdsworth."  
  
"Where is he now?" Carter didn't reply. "Did you call security?"  
  
"I've been a little busy! Can we focus on Abby for a moment, please?"  
  
Luka didn't look up from the ultrasound. "Malik, can you let them know? And Chuny, call surgery." As Malik left the room, he called after him "And send some more help in here."  
  
"Finished." Carter moved to look at the ultrasound screen. "How bad is it?"  
  
"We need to get her up to the OR now."  
  
"Pressure's dropping." Chuny yelled.  
  
"We need to intubate." Carter started to move.  
  
Luka placed a hand on Carter's shoulder to stop the younger doctor. "I'll do it! I think you should stand back. Let me help."  
  
Carter shook off Luka's hand. "You? It's your fault she's here in the first place!" "Carter, calm down, ok?"  
  
"Calm down?" Carter pushed Luka in the chest. "Don't keep telling me what to do! She doesn't need your help, she's got me!"  
  
"And where exactly were you when this guy attacked her?" Luka pushed him back now.  
  
"Hey guys!" Chuny tried to get their attention. "This really isn't the time for this!"  
  
Carter suddenly snapped. He drew his fist back and hit Luka in the face, catching the Croatian by surprise. Luka lost his balance and staggered backwards nearly crashing into Susan who had just entered the trauma room. She simply shook her head at Carter and joined Chuny. "What happened?" Assessing the situation quickly, Susan began to intubate.  
  
"She was pushed down the stairs." Chuny filled her in. "Corday's on her way down."  
  
Luka muttered something in Croatian, feeling his right eye beginning to swell shut. He glared at Carter. Carter was still angry and glared back. Susan glanced at Chuny for an explanation but the nurse just rolled her eyes. Susan sighed. "That's it. Get out! Both of you! Neither of you is helping Abby here, so get out."  
  
Luka didn't bother to argue, pushing the trauma room door a little too forcefully in frustration; going to cool off outside felt like a good idea. Carter though didn't move. "Carter, go!" she ordered.  
  
With a last glance at Abby, he left but only moving to outside the room. He stood watching but when Corday arrived he couldn't take anymore and sat down on the floor opposite the room.  
  
  
  
He sat there not moving. Malik had returned, saying something to Carter as he passed, but Carter didn't register the words. He just sat there. Weaver had come to talk to him, but again it was all a blur. He vaguely remembered her trying to get him to move into the lounge but he had just stayed sat there. He didn't even move when they transported Abby up to the OR. Chuny and Corday went with her. He just watched, only standing up when Susan walked out of the trauma room.  
  
"We managed to stabilize her. There's a lot of internal bleeding, but Corday seemed hopeful."  
  
Carter took a deep breath. "What about the head trauma?"  
  
Susan looked at the floor. "It was pretty extensive as you saw. How bad it is, we can't say yet. You know how this is, Carter. We're just going to have to wait and see."  
  
Carter nodded, fighting back tears. "She'll be ok. You'll see!" The words were more to convince himself than Susan. She nodded.  
  
"I'm going up to the OR."  
  
"Well, my shift's over. What time are you supposed to be on?"  
  
"Erm, not till eight."  
  
"Then I'll go with you now, and then I'll come back to cover your shift tonight."  
  
They began to walk, then Carter suddenly stopped. "Susan," he paused. "Thanks!"  
  
"Don't worry about it. I plan on making sure that you work back any shifts that I work for you."  
  
Carter shook his head. "Not just about the shift. I mean in the trauma room. If me and Luka had carried on arguing then."  
  
"Don't think about stuff like that. She stands a good chance!"  
  
"If she wakes up!"  
  
Susan didn't reply. She couldn't lie to Carter and she couldn't handle agreeing with him out loud right now. The two of them headed up to the OR in silence.  
  
  
  
Now:  
  
He sighed when he thought about how he had acted recently. He had managed to avoid speaking to Luka since the trauma room, but eventually he knew he would have to apologise. He smiled as he thought about how Abby would have reacted to him hitting Luka. He took hold of her hand, bringing it gently to his lips to kiss it. Keeping hold of her hand, he muttered to himself a phrase that had become his only comfort in the past days, "We're going to be ok!" 


End file.
